Kardas * The Gold Bug Saga

Part I

I received a frantic email message in early December concerning a chance encounter that a friend from the Attics & Beans Worldwide Communication LIST had with what looked like a large black beetle. The sender offered three potential possibilities as reactions, listed as "a" to "c". "C" was the most "beetle friendly" of the three :

In a message dated 1/12/98 1:11:11, you wrote : <<You are walking along a sidewalk on a sunny day. Off to the edge of the pavement, there is a large black beetle who is stuck on his back. He is frantically waving his legs in the air... (c) Beetle? Oh you poor thing. Here, let me help you. There. Now you can be on your way. Have a nice day. >>

At once I recalled an encounter with a similar (the same?) bug a week before and offered my new "d" , because this is how I reacted :

(d) Hi, there bug. Are you directing traffic or what? What?? You're checking the positions of the constellations? (it is night time) What for?

He rights himself with a quick spring, and shows his dazzling golden color-- he wears a small black mask and carries a miniature sword by his side. "I'm the Gold Bug. I was trying to orient myself to where the treasure is buried. Do you want to come with me, Sonny. It's dangerous, but I hear you have more guts than most. WOW, I was lucky that you found me rather than one of the others who might have chosen option (b). And bring Ima, your Great-Great Grandmother along -- she would enjoy the adventure. We have to look for clues along the way".

I called Ima on my star-tac and she took her teleporter (that old Nash she treasures so much) right here. I can't believe she left that K-Mart clerk alone with all her Attics and Beanies!!

"You have to chew some of these Wamba leaf fragments I have under my wings. That will make you as small as I am and we can be on our way".

Well, we both ate the tiny delicious leaves and in an instant we were the size of our new friend, Zorro Beetle.

"Now get on my back and we will go for the first clue."

Up, up, and away we flew, fast as light! We saw the newly regilt State Capital dome and the refurbished War Memorial building. Then we reached a K-Mart store somewhere in Philadelphia (I saw the Billy Penn statue below), flying in through the vent system, right to the Furby stash. We loaded the batteries and the fuzzy critter opened his eyes and said, "Me Ding Tock. You have to go back to the Shop Rite in Hamilton Square and find the bright Glory. Burp. Zzzzzzz". He then shut his eyes and rested. It was the seventh day.

GAWD, back to Trenton. We used I95. Since the Shop Rite was open late we flew in the open doors and got to the loads of Beanies they had on the shelves. And there he was, a glowing Glory!!

Glory was waiting for us. "I see you spoke with Ding Tock. Go to the eBay auction headquarters in California and get into their system, sort of like a bug. You will know what to do. Good luck!"

Away we went. On the way we stopped to see Sybil who said she wanted to come with us. Then we all took the long way round all the way to Alaska and warmed ourselves by Rivka's fire, and she also said she would come to help us out. So our happy group now headed for eBay and their vast computer system, to bug it.

The main frame housed a low rent housing project inhabited by a lot of dust bunnies who told us the code for entering the system. The password was "SUCKER". Gawd, when we entered the password and clicked RETURN the entire screen went blank and a skull and crossbones appeared!! Below it was a map of Illinois, with a large red "X" right over the TY Headquarters!! We all knew what we had to do next.

PART II

Ima walked into the fluorescent lit room and pulled back the curtain. "How's he doing?" she asked with a worried look on her face.

"He should be fine according to the doctors, but he keeps mumbling some strange things that I don't understand."

Sonny groaned at this point a mumbled something about TY Spys and Furbys and then went back to resting peacefully. Ima looked worried so I told her what had happened.......

I told her how Sonny had been driving down the wrong side of the road right at me without his headlights on and how I had flashed my lights at him in spite of the Urban Legend Gang Initiation Warning and how he swerved off the road into the ditch. I told her about all the Clubbys that were scattered on the front seat of his car and in his lap. Then I remembered the notepad that he quickly shoved into his pocket when I poked my head in the window of his car that read 'TY Secrets'. I immediately went over to the small closet in his hospital room and started going through this jacket pockets. Where was that notepad? I know he had it when the ambulance came. But I couldn't find it. It was gone! could the nurses have taken it? Or the paramedics? But why? That didn't make any sense. There was something strange going on here.

I left Ima to watch over Sonny and went in search of clues.

My first stop was at the impound lot where they had towed Sonny's Festiva. I was greeted at the entrance to the lot, a chain link fence that stood 10 feet high with a pad lock and a sign that read 'BEWARE of DOG', by 2 Dobermans and a guy covered in tattoos named Slasher. He said it was a nickname given to him by his friends. I didn't ask why!!

Slasher and the 2 dogs walked me over to where the Festiva was parked and then left me alone to look for clues. I proceeded to tear through the car, looking under seats, in the glove box, trunk, you name it. I couldn't find a thing. No notepad. No clubbys. Slasher probably fed them to his dogs and I sure wasn't going to ask. I sat back in the driver's seat frustrated. As I was staring out the windshield wondering what to do next, I heard a faint sound come from behind me. I held my breathe and listened for it again. Nothing. As I was about to climb out of the Festiva, i heard it again........ "sonny ding tock, burb.... toto hungry."

I flew out of the car and into the back seat and there sat Furby on the floor looking up at me, blinking his eyes, wiggling his ears and burbing..... and repeating that phrase over and over, "sonny ding tock, sonny ding tock." I had no idea what this meant but I knew it was important so I scooped up furby and quickly hid him in my coat pocket trying to make him be quiet so Slasher and his 2 killer dogs would not hear him.

I took Furby back to Sonny's apartment since I had no place else to stay, hoping to find more clues. I gave him something to eat and recharged his batteries. He played with the kitties for a while and then fell asleep. I fell asleep shortly after he did and dreamed............sonny ding tock, burb.... sonny ding tock, burb........ TY Spy Secrets....... ding tock.... eBay.... burb.........

PART III

It had been a harrowing experience.... sonny, Ima, Rivka and Sybil were holding onto the gold bug for dear life.... sonny had recovered and the Furby had been left safely with Razorback Chris.... now we were on our way to something more sinister than any of us would have guessed.

"There!" Yelled Sonny, his dark glasses glinted in the sunshine as it reflected off of the golden specks from our beetle. We had all had to take the shrinking leaves again and we were glad to be so small..

"Yes!" Sybil was getting excited.... "There it is! " We swooped down close to the huge complex....... TY headquarters! What would we find within that formidable edifice? We couldn't have entered in if we were full size as the doors were locked fast with some kind of sophisticated security system... we stopped at a side entrance and slid under the door...... the hallway we found ourselves in was painted a strange blue green and yellow swirly pattern.. almost made us dizzy... "follow me!" said our bug...... had he been here before??

We went past a door marked KEEP OUT>>> eBAY ROOM...... now what the heck would Ty have an eBay room for???? "Sybil... Sonny... ", I whispered, "... look at that!" Rivka!.... Sybil clutched at me..... "do you know what this means?" but I didn't have time to answer her... we were flying past a room with the words... KEEP OUT>>> FURBY PROJECT on the door.

"GAWD!" said Sonny.... but no sooner had we turned the corner past the Furby room than we suddenly held on for dear life as our bug swooped and dipped almost knocking us off..there were three men walking fast heading toward the furby room.... it can't be! I thought to myself... we all thought the same thing...... how could it be !

There big as life was Bill Gates, Ty Warner and Donald Trump all heading into the Furby room! WHAT was going on??????

As Ty whipped out a huge set of golden keys and opened the door.. we were sucked right into the room... none of the men seemed to notice us....... but I couldn't believe what I was seeing..... there, packed almost to the ceiling were Furbys! All colors... all over the place! Why would Ty want to get all of these Furby? It didn't make sense? ... unless........

Part IV

Ima, Sonny, Sybil and Rivka stood in the corner of the room, trying to be unobtrusive. Sonny was fascinated by the sight of Ty Warner, Donald Trump and Bill Gates together in one room, and he couldn't stop snickering. "Ty sure is a lot shorter and weirder looking in person!" he exclaimed.

At the head of a humongous mahogany conference table, Ty Warner was laughing his head off. "Can you believe they are actually BUYING these things?" he said. Bill Gates just shook his head. "Like lambs to the slaughter." Donald Trump thought for a moment, then replied, "Well with the price of mohair being what it is, we really should consider this carefully. Now, I propose that we begin the breeding operation by" His voice trailed off. "Did you hear that?"

Everyone looked around the room. "Hear WHAT?" they asked. "A very small choking sound!" replied Donald. "Oh, well - just one of the Furbys, I guess. So as I was saying..."

Ima removed her hand from Sonny's mouth. "Stop laughing, you little whippersnapper, or I'll have to throw you over me knee! You're not too young, you know!" She hissed through her gritted false teeth.

"Listen!" said Sybil, her eyes wide with disbelief. "They are plotting to create a super-race of robotic computer beings, which look like toys but are actually little soldiers! They are planning to take over the world! They alone will have the power and ability to control the Super Furbies! GAWD, think of the possibilities!"

Suddenly, the four attic fanatics and the Gold Bug sensed a presence behind them. They turned around, and what to their amazement did they see but SLUGGY! Turns out that she had long since been able to transform into an insect and had been slipping through the cracks at Ty headquarters for days, trying to learn what was going on." And you all thought I was off directing a children's play!" she said. "LOL! I have been here for several days listening to these idiots. Not only do they want to take over the world, but they are working on a plan to breed Furbies to angora goats! That way, they can charge even more for the Super Furbies. These men are sick, sick puppies."

"I knew it!" said Rivka, burying her face in her hands. "I've seen this coming all along!"

The gold bug had been silent, but finally he spoke. "We are going to need reinforcements. We will need many bugs and many, many leaves of the Mamba tree for this mission. There is only one place on earth that has that many bugs and exotic plants all in one place, but lucky for us it is only 3 hours from here! Let's Go!"

SO the happy travelers attached themselves once again to the Gold Bug's back, Sluggy stuck tight to the Gold Bug's undersides. They flew off over the countryside, and soon they hovered over the Indianapolis Zoo. As they looked down, they saw Lisa standing on the back of an elephant, jumping up and down and waving at them. "Hey, guys! We're all set!" she said. She held up a large bag full of crumbled, dried Wamba leaves and a huge box full of flying insects. "Got any plans for this afternoon? I have my work all done and I am reeeeeeeeeealy bored!"

Lisa ate a few of the delectable leaves and was soon the same size as the others. She produced a crumpled notebook out of her pocket.

"You found my notebook!" Sonny said.

"Yep!" Lisa replied. "I was in my office reading my digests, when suddenly this huge African cockroach jumped up on my desk! I freaked out, but then he handed me this note pad and told me that Ding Tock sent him. After I read what is written in this book, I realized that you would need my help - so I enlisted some volunteers!" A little cheer came from the box of insects that Lisa was holding. "I took them from the bug exhibit - so we'd better get out of here before someone notices!"

And the little group set out to find the other list members.

PART V

So......... the word went out over the list calling all of the members into action. Volunteers were needed from all over to help our brave and fearless leaders stop Ty Warner, Bill Gates and Donald Trump from breeding Furbies to angora goats. If such a thing could actually happen it might be the end of collecting as we know it. A response came from Linda in Texas.

"Hey guys! Head down south and pick me up! I have called in to get a substitute to cover my classes for awhile." Upon hearing from Linda, Zorro Bug aimed his way toward the Dallas, Ft. Worth area. Sonny, Sluggy, Rivka, Ima and Lisa were set and ready to go.

"Oh no!!! Where is Sybil???, cried Sonny. At last Sybil was found. While she was at the zoo she had made her way to the snake house to visit a few of her favorite friends. (lol)

The flight was a smooth one to Texas, and Rivka liked the weather so much she begged to stay. But there was bigger business to be done. Over barbecue and beer the group started working on a plan. Linda said she would head up the charge against Donald Trump. She believes that he is the brains behind the Furby take over. Trump had planned to take the innards out of all of his slot machines and implant them into the Furbies of the world. This would make it look like pure chance that the Furbies were acting strangely. Having decided that all of the slot machines needed to be watched carefully Linda sent out an appeal to other list members to help her set up a slot machine brigrade. She will watch and play all of the slots in Las Vegas . Others were needed for Reno and Atlantic City and all other places. Meanwhile, the rest of the group (still eating barbecue) were trying to decide what to do about Ty and Bill......

PART VI

"I wonder where the Zorro Bug is? What am I doing? Was this such a good idea?" were some of the thoughts percolating in Linda's mind as she gazes upon the glittering lights below. "I need help, but where do I find it?" she mused.

Her flight arrived in Vegas at 9:20PM, and she hustled through the airport scanning for trustworthy assistants. Unsure about where she should begin, she spotted a WH Smith store and casually strolled in pretending to look for souvenirs. Then she saw IT. Peeking from behind a wall banner, one hairy leg dangled where the unshelved merchandise was kept! Linda got excited and edged closer, while picking up another gold dice paper weight and Elvis keychain.

"Burble, uh, me, baaaa-aaa." She jumped back, horrified!

The sales clerk peered sharply at her and then briskly walked over in front of the wall, saying, "Can I help you?"

Feeling quite sure she was part of this devious plot, Linda responded with "Hmmmna, hmmmna, er, yes... Do you know where the Ethel M. Chocolate is?"

"Why, yes, it's right across the hall, on the other side of those slot machines, " the clerk puzzledly pointed.

"Thanks," mumbled Linda and she rushed over to hide behind the nearest slot machine to collect her thoughts. "Now what?" she thought, " I definitely need help... but who?" She knew she would think better if she got some chocolate into her system, so Linda went into her purse for funds. Pulling out a few spare quarters, she absent-mindededly dropped two in to the slot machine. The reels spun with a loud tinkering and clunked three times to land on....... Linda did a double take. The reels showed two cherry colored hearts and a furball. Her heart stopped. "could this conspiracy go deeper than Donald Trump? Could it go all the way to the corporate mob friends of modern Vegas? No, they only exist in Hollywood, now... get a grip!!!"

She had a feeling the store clerk was monitoring her actions and hastily scurried to catch a cab, but as she burst out the doors she saw a woman in a chauffeur's outfit with a curious sign: WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS! LINDA FROM TEXAS. Linda gathered her courage and said," That's me, but how did you know I was here and who are you?"

"My name is Alexandra. I'm sorry but the only instructions I received were to take you to your hotel and make sure you are comfortable."

Confused, but feeling adventerous, Linda climbed through the open door of the white limo. "Would you like a glass of champagne?" she heard, "Or would you prefer a Starbucks?"

Shocked she looked up and said, "Who are you, and how do you know about me?"

The woman replied matter-of-factly, "Oh, everybody on the internet knows who you are and of your self-sacrificing mission to watch the slot machines to save the world from the Horror of Furgora. But, my dear, you simply can't do it alone. It's just too dangerous!"

Linda, having already seen enough for one day, stammered, "But, just who are you?"

The woman replied, "I am Dawn of Las Vegas, maker of the Famous Las Vegas Dancing Bear."

PART VII

While all of this was happening, Horacio, a former student of Sonny's at the Univerdidad de La Laguna in Tenerife -- now a Ph.D. in organic chemistry -- was in a top secret lab under Lamberton Street in Trenton.

Sonny had a house there about 10 years ago and read that there were hidden tunnels along the Delaware River in that area which were used for the "Underground Railroad", those places for hiding and transporting former slaves over a century ago. He got out his supersensitive gamma sensing device and checked the walls of his cellar. Everything checked out OK -- EXCEPT a small spot near the lower front of the house facing Lamberton Street, an empty lot where there used to be houses-- and the River!! His excitement grew, BUT he never showed any emotion at his potential find! He is the same way when he spots a retired Attic way behind a bunch of some new ones at the stores he visits, or at an auction or flea market when he discovers something really great! I wish I could be as cold blooded and calculating as he always is.

He began chipping away at the wall and found nothing after going about 3 feet. He took some more readings and they showed the same anomaly, so he continued digging for a couple more hours. He had gotten about 7 feet from the original wall when he discovered a stone masonry barrier made of interlocking granite stones about the size of Belgian blocks.

Upon breaking through the first couple stones he could just about make out a large passage on the other side of the barrier. It was already 3 am, but he continued removing the blocks until he was able to crawl into the opening.

At first he thought that he saw some tiny red beams coming from the walls, but it was otherwise totally dark, so he went back and got the hard hat and carbide lamp he uses for cave exploring. The old carbide was caked inside the lamp, but after prying it out he finally reloaded with fresh carbide, added water and clicked the flint lighter on the lamp. Immediately the bright bean gushed from the center of the reflector with a hissing noise. He reentered the passage and was surprised to find that the walls were of beautiful polished pink granite, with no seams visible! The floors and ceiling were of some sand textured silvery material. There were several places along the walls with a small red beam coming from them. He moved his hand in front of one of them and immediately an eerie glow illuminated the place, rapidly brightening until it seemed like daylight! The ceiling was a light source of some kind, and the floors even glowed, although much less brightly. No sound was to be heard.

He stood there motionless for a few seconds, not knowing exactly what he had just activated. He got excited and actually smiled-- something which he is only known to do on field trips when he finds something out of the ordinary. Like the time he caught a live rattle snake with his own hands a few summers before on a geology field trip with a Princeton University science teachers' group.

The room must have been at least 40 feet square, and had no doors or halls leading somewhere else. He calculated that it was about 4 feet below his cellar.

Along the walls were several consoles or desks, made of some shiny silver-colored metal, and many shelves made of the same material, containing rows and rows of seemingly ancient bound manuscripts and things that looked like scrolls. On one of the consoles there was an impression of a hand. He sat in the amazingly comfortable sculpted chair and rested his hand on the impression, wondering what he had discovered.

Immediately a large image appeared before him, sort of like a hologram in color. It was a map of something-- was it of the place he had found? He noticed a red arrow with the words, "YOU ARE HERE" beside it!! GAWD, just like at the malls! He was in the DOCUMENT ROOM.

As his fingers tightened up slightly, the image changed to WELCOME MENU, PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME.

"Sonny", he replied.

An image of a male dressed in a silvery suit, VERY much like Sonny himself, appeared and said, "Welcome back, Sonny. We have been waiting for you for eons, and you have come at the right time in the UNIVERSAL TIMELINE! You must NEVER tell anyone what you discovered, until we say that the time is right. Call your friend, Horacio, and ask him to come here. He is the only one who can announce to the world something of importance to humankind. brb"

Sonny did not understand the part about "brb", so he left and called Horacio. As he left, he lights dimmed and went out. It was 1 pm already in the Canary Islands, and luckily Horacio was off that day and answered the phone. He said that he would catch the next available flight and that I should meet him at JFK the following day at noon.

After the usual hug and European smooches, they both went to the parking area got in Sonny's white Mustang and headed for Trenton. Small talk ensued during the drive BUT Sonny did not mention his find to Horacio.

They immediately went to the secret chamber, the room lit, and Sonny sat at the console once more, placing his hand on the impression.

"Welcome back, Sonny", the hologram greeted. "I see that you brought Horacio with you". The last time I spoke with you I said that I would brb, but you left".

"I didn't understand the "brb" part -- what did you mean?"

"I am so sorry, Sonny, that was something that you will learn many years into the future. I will not confuse you now by trying to explain it. Horacio, we are glad to see that you could make it on such short notice. We have a job for you. Go to the next console and place your hand on the sensor."

Horacio went to the adjoining table and did as he was requested. The WELCOME MENU once again appeared and he was requested to state his name. A large old-looking book appeared at the hologram before him, and a message appeared that he should turn to page 263. As his hand reached toward the book, he became part of the image!! He seemed to glow!! Upon seeing this, Sonny reached toward the hologram of the person speaking to him, and he BECAME that person!!

"The CYCLE is now complete", said Sonny -- or whoever it was in the image. "Horacio, do you see the formula for TYREMALL? Can you understand the notations?"

"Yes, perfectly", said Horacio, "I had been working on a similar derivative of a rare endemic Wamba plant in the Canary Islands, but had not come this far. This is just what I had been looking for! It's so simple!!"

Sonny, or whoever it was, asked Horacio to press his small finger on the console pad. As he did, the opposite wall became transparent and what appeared to be a laboratory appeared on the other side.

"Please enter your new laboratory and by voice recognition module, just say what you need and the materials will be genetically transmutated to your lab for your convenience. In that way we are able to maintain the living balance of the earth, yet utilize what we need to benefit humankind."

Horacio, still glowing, as if in the "hologram", accompanied by a seemingly rejuvenated "Sonny", passed through the portal to the lab. In one corner was an enormous tropical terrarium filled with plant species and a flowing stream. Some of the plants were familiar -- among them the Wamba bush that Horacio had been studying.

"Your task is to produce TYREMALL in sufficient quantity to be used to counter a worldwide domination scheme by certain evil tyrants in Y2k. It is a long and arduous task. Your "real" self has now been returned to Tenerife and will continue your life as usual, without remembering anything of what you have learned and are doing here. The real Sonny is now cementing the hole that he found in the cellar wall because he has wanted to sell the house. Our CYBER entities may travel anywhere we desire and our only necessary nourishment is KNOWLEDGE and helping mankind", said "Sonny"...

PART VIII

Why would Ty go to all this effort to get these Furbies? Unless ......

Yes, it is a ploy to corner the market, so our bug gave Sonny another little dose of Wamba leaves, Sonny loves this...... Now with a blink of the eye is is a Furbie, only Bern, can see the difference. He is just an inch taller, but has that Sonny demeaner. That cynical look in his eye, cocky walk. She nudges Rivka & Sybil. They notice and they become riveted to that spot. He casually strolls over to rest of the Furbies and just listens. Finds out that between Warner, Gates and Trump (to be known now as WGT group) they have cornered the market on Furbies. Most of the poor little Furbies are terrified. They thought they would be in a nice house, but no, they are in this vault. One by one they leave the room and come back very subdued.

Sonny ponders all this, so he asks a little one named Lisa what is going on?.....

She, in woeful little voice, said "they just put a transmitter inside me and it hurts. Turns out that just before the Big holiday known in the trade as the grand Rip Off DAY.. they will be out in the market. People will go wild, rioting in the streets, all the Furbies that you want only $10.. each."

The WGT Group are slyly grinning at each other. Ty W. is as happy as he can be, does a little shuffle, and says, " now I have the world of collectibles. I will keep retiring, and retiring creating havoc. Just when people are lining up on the bridgea all over the world to jump, I will release new items, The Furbie Beanie".

Sonny listens in horror, trying to get Sybil's attention, but she is busy counting her Garcias. Thankfully Rivka is being alert.

Rivka turns to the Gold Bug (who thinks they are all nuts) and says quietly get me out of here NOW........... She doesn't want to see what the conniving others will do, she knows she has to alert all her friends.......

PART IX (a)

In Missouri Julie the Newbie Attict turned on her computer and fell in. That's right, fell in. Being an orally fixated sort of person she had noticed a couple of fresh leaves sitting next to the Furby near the keyboard. Not being a botanistic sort of person she just popped 'em in her mouth and hoped they were edible. "Oh my", she thought. "I appear to be having a Grace Slick / Lewis Carroll moment." Once through the looking glass of her monitor Julie found herself in a sterile appearing room with a gold bug in a black mask, several vaguely familiar vertically challenged people like herself, a slug and some funky looking longhaired furbies.

"Yep, definitely a Lewis Carroll moment", she thought, not finding any of this the least bit odd, being somewhat prone to flights of fancy herself. "Ahem, excuse me", Julie the Newbie said to a rather tie dyed individual, "are you Sybil perchance?"

"Yeah, I am today," she answered. "What gave me away?"

"It might have been the mutilated Bonnie hanging from the peace sign around your neck". Julie replied. "See? I've got one too. So who's the shuffle-off-to-Buffalo King on the table?"

"That would be His Tyness, the Maker of all things Little and Beanie, Pharoah of the Upper and Lower Attic Lands, Father of Horus... no wait, that's Osiris, ask Sonny, nevermind it's Him anyway" interjected Zorro the Gold Bug, who was on his startac making some calls to WalMart about the status of his latest line of baby shoes. "All I know is Ty's mom had a thing for tap dancing lessons, the WGT group is taking over the world as usual, and Sonny has turned into a Furby so you'll have to ask him Egyptology questions later - oh yeah, I'll hold."

Rivka, who had been trying to get out of the surreal scene to go alert her slot playing friends finally nudged Zorro hard enough to hang up the startac and get moving. Sonny, Bern, Sybil and Julie waved ever so unobtrusively, hoping they would see their friends again soon.

Then the laughing at the table caused them to look waaaay up to see Bill Gates doing the limbo under a broomstick held by Ty and The Donald. The four adventurers set out for the underside of the table, hoping for a spare gum wad to cling to. "... so you'll call Sally Winey to design them, and I'll find the mountain goats.." Gates was saying. "Are you sure we can't just use dog fur or shag carpeting? Definitely more cost effective" remarked Trump. "Oops, you lose", grinned Ty, dropping his end of the limbo stick on Bill Gates' head. "Now you have to develop and install the Borg program into the furby beanies, making them assimilate all members of the human race, instructing them to BUY TY PRODUCTS. We'll make a fortune, but OH YEAH, we already have Fortunes... maybe I should retire them too!" ahhahahahahahahaha"

The plan was all there, stuck in limbo with our heroes. "GAWD", said Sonny, "I was right all along!"

PART IX (b)

Blissfully unaware of all that had gone before , Julie the Newbie was meandering through yet another Branson (home of Andy WiIliams) gift shop in search of Attic Treasures of any import whatsoever - China, Indonesia, Grand Cayman Islands - who cares? As long as the heart tag is mint, everything else is good to go... or SO SHE THOUGHT.... Looking through a shelf she noticed a familiar buzzing, warbling sound. "Kah toh-loo may-tah"said the voice. "I see you! Doo -be-doo-be-dooo..."

"A Furby!" Julie thought. This close to Christmas - in Branson! Cool!" Digging through the stack of teddy bears, beanies and the occasional Bonnie, she saw it. A Beanie unlike any other. A Garcia Beanie Buddy! But it had decidedly Furbish features, and looked to be made of a combination of Tylon and shag carpeting. "Hey! Kah mee-mee a-tay, wah! I'm starving!" It said, and Newbie Julie stopped cold.

"Ohmygosh it's you - you're the Furby!" Even being a newbie she realized that she must buy this piece and buy it now, as there were none other like it in the store or probably in Branson (home of Bobby Vinton). Looking at the heart tag, Julie noticed two very important things. The first was the price - $150.00. "Egads, this must be a secondary dealer," thought Julie. "hope my credit card will cover it... "The second thing was the back of the tag. In very small print, right below "Ty, Inc., Oakbrook, IL" was the line "powered by Microsoft". And under that "designed by Sally Winey". And below that, "Return tag for Reference".

"Hmmmm..." our newbie thought. Making a snap decision she decided to color her hair red instead of its current blonde, and oh yeah - better buy that Sally Winey Microsoft Ty Garcia Furbeanie Buddy. So she bought it and as she was leaving the store a man came in dragging a slot machine on a dolly. "What's that?" our still blonde newbie asked the man. "It's a slot machine," he replied. "Gambling in Branson (home of the Osmonds, except Donny and Marie)? What IS the world coming to?" she asked rhetorically. "Hey, party!" said Garciafurbybuddy. And there, on the front of the slot machine, was a large red heart that said "TY and Trump bring you... Beanie Slots! Powered by Microsoft."

"Dance, boogie!" said the Tylon carpeted creature. "Bow to the Maker!" "The huh who what?" said Julie, who is known for talking to anything in her own private Missouri (not to be confused with Idaho).

Just then a beautiful gold beetle began crawling up Julie's foot. Reaching down to pick it up, it said, "The Pharoah of the Upper and Lower Attic Kingdoms, Lord of the Beanies and all things PE or PVC, Crusher of the Secondary Market, The Maker, His Tyness, King Warner!, that's huh who what, and seeing as you have the prototype, you'd better come with me." And with that he handed Newbie Julie a dollar bill to chew, explaining that it was originally from the Wampa Wampumis plant, which was sort of like explaining that money did in fact grow on trees. But all this escaped our youngish (okay, almost 30) blonde newbie. She just did as she was told because she thought it was cool to be talking to a bug in the middle of Branson (home of Dino Kartsaniakis and Yakov Smirnoff). She even fed a little to the Winey designed Furbciabuddy, who after all had already said he was hungry. "Yummmmm, yummmmm, e-day, buy ty" it said. And with that the bug got bigger. Or she shrunk.

"I appear to be having a Grace Slick / Lewis Carroll moment", Julie observed. "This is way cool! Where we going, and what's your name?" she asked the gold bug. "And are you like, the Gold Bug for Gold Bug Shoes?" "You are, it is, I'm Zoe (friend and helper to the Masked Hero Zorro Bug, who is wingin it westward with Rivka at this very moment) and yeah, that would be me. Speaking of which I need to make a call about the spring line, so shut up your Whiny Winey Furbish Companion and let me finish this deal."

After some moments of rather heated negotiation with Wal Mart's home office (in Bentonville, AR, not too far from Branson, home of Mickey Gilley) Zoe Bug hung up the StarTac and told Julie, "We are going to Illinois to meet with Sonny, Bern, and Sybil to help foil the plot by Warner, Gates and Trump to Borgify the world and take our money. WalMart will be carrying my line of baby shoes, but not the limited edition Sally Winey Microsoft Ty Furbeanie Buddies, as Ty does not sell to mass retialers - only to QVC, HSN, CostCo and Macy's. So maybe we'll have just enough time to stop the Insanity!" "Oh, is Susan Powter helping us too? I do need to lose a few pounds," asked Julie...

Meanwhile, back at the Oakbrook World Domination Headquarters, Sonny, Bern and Sybil were watching in awe as His Tyness Himself taught Bill Gates and Donald Trump to tap dance..........

[to be continued, maybe]

This has been a colaborative effort of the following creative thinkers, members of the Attics&Beans Mailing List

Bern, Massachusetts

Dawn, Nevada

Julie, Misouri

Linda, Texas

Lisa, Indiana

Rivka, Alaska

Sonny, New Jersey

Sybil, Minnesota

It first appeared in December 1998, during the height of the TY Beanie craze, and was updated for 4 months before the steam ran out of the story tellers.

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